Talk About Ladies

We Discuss Women And Solve Problems Together!

Talk About Ladies - We Discuss Women And Solve Problems Together!

THE LADY, HER LOVER, AND HER LORD 3

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First things first. God is a God of order. He created Adam alone and then gave him a relationship. Adam had time with God and with himself before he had time with his lovely bride. If God has chosen to allow you a time of intimacy with Him, enjoy that Sabbath and receive it as an opportunity to savor your consecration and develop your qualities as an individual.

Master, which is the great commandment in the law? Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. Matt. 22:36-39

Jesus says that the greatest commandments that are listed in the Word are thus: the greatest commandment is the one that demands that we love our Lord with all our hearts, minds, and souls; the second-greatest commandment is that we love our neighbors as we love ourselves. But how can we love our neighbors who are apart from us if we do not learn to love ourselves? It is here that we must begin the process of preparing our gift to be given. For how can we give to someone a gift that we do not value or believe to be significant ourselves? Is it possible that this is the basis for so many dysfunctional relationships? Is it possible that many people have a tendency to see themselves as insignificant and therefore open themselves up to a life of abuse?

More important is the fact that when we do not value ourselves, we tend to attract people who support that devalued image. Remember now, we train people how to treat us by how we treat ourselves. If you honor yourself, there are some men who will not find that an attractive feature. You will heat statements such as, “She thinks she is so much,” or, “That girl is a trip.” The truth of the matter is he has seen the product and doesn’t have the price that the ticket says must be paid. You must know that sometimes rejection is a blessing and not a curse. There are some people, jobs, friends, and so on that you do not want to attract. You want to draw to yourself people who are comfortable with your values and perceptions. People with low self-esteem tend to draw to themselves others who dominate and control or belittle them. They attract the types of men who are apt to reinforce their own negativity. That is why you need to be healed inside before you enter into relationships.

Sometimes God delays relationships to give you a chance to heal as an individual. Then and only then can you make choices that are healthy–choices that are not predicated on obsessive need or fear of being alone. There are many people who endure unthinkable abuse because they are terribly afraid of being alone! To avoid themselves, they choose life with an abuser rather than a night at home alone. But there are some things that are worse than being alone.

While you are single, if you do not spend time finding wholeness and learning the art of being happy alone, you will marry out of fear and then years later awaken out of the comatose state of low self-esteem, only to recognize that you are a valuable entity whether there is a man around or not. Then you may find yourself lying beside someone who no longer fits where you are; he fit where you were and how you saw yourself before. You may find that you are tied to someone who fits your dysfunction but not your function. Tragically, you have grown apart rather than together. Many times, in response to the woman’s new sense of value, the man will panic and try to insult the woman into a false feeling of incompetence. Women, do not embrace this degradation! Maintain the courage to disagree with debasement. There is a difference between constructive criticism and the killing of a human soul. Know that there is nothing damaged within you. It is the man who is insecure, devaluing you to compensate for his own weaknesses. A strong man’s hands can clap for his woman and still feel good about himself.

Many brides walk down the aisle of the church secretly saying, “Save me, save me.” It is the silent scream of a desperate heart that is in love with the idea of love, in love with the hope that someone will love her so well that she will finally feel good about herself. But before you make a tragic mistake, you must learn the art of being warm alone! Additionally, you must realize that this is the time during which you should develop a respect for your own opinions. This is not to say that the goal is inflexibility as it relates to others’ opinions. No, we always want to be open to the wisdom others can offer. But it does mean you should have conviction in your own thoughts in the absence of all others and their advice. What do you think? Before you get a second opinion, be sure you have a first one. It is time alone that enables you to get a grip on your own feelings and develop your own reasoning. Take it from me, it is far better to fall in love with a whole woman who has her own opinions and creativity than it is to be married to someone who thinks only what you think and wants only what you want. On the surface, having a woman defer to you may sound noble to some men. But after a while, you want a woman who has an idea that you didn’t give her!

In short, the melody must be established before the harmony can be written. You must first establish your own identity. Try to establish some solidarity financially, mentally, and spiritually. Then, when and if you add the harmonious thrust of a male counterpart, he is enriched by your contribution and you by his, without being a weight that he carries until he is exhausted. The goal is ultimately a state of wholeness. That wholeness cannot be reached if you are not divorced from your past and prepared for your future. So let’s take it step by step, one day at a time, and watch God give you the grace to make changes and institute goals for your future.

Your assignment at this point is quite simple. You have three P’s that you are to start with. They are prayer, praise, and pampering. Pray for strength because you know that He gives might to those who have none. Praise God for your survival because you know that it is by His mercy that you are still here. Pamper for solace. It is through pampering yourself that you find renewal and comfort against the tragedies of life. You could do all of these practices at the same time. Light a candle in the bathroom, play some soft notes, and slip into a hot tub with scented bath beads. Lie in the water and raise your hands in the air and praise the God that blessed you to be alive. Pray about the things that would normally worry you. Refuse to spend the evening worrying about things over which you have no control. Instead, lather up and relax–this is your time of pampering!

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven. Eccles. 3:1 (NKJ)

(C) Bishop T. D. Jakes

THE LADY, HER LOVER, AND HER LORD 2

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Many women find it difficult to appreciate themselves because society puts pressure on them to be completely selfless; any attempt at self-nurturing and self-love is condemned, eliciting accusations of being selfish and narcissistic, of not being an adequate wife, mother, or even an adequate woman. No woman wants these labels and so many comply–giving, giving, giving–never appreciating themselves. Never realizing that in order to truly give you must appreciate the gifts you possess. Sadly, some women’s lives become as futile as a child’s attempt to capture the entire ocean in his sand bucket. No matter how committed he is to his task, no effort is ever enough.

It’s not easy to overcome this pressure. Even the most liberated people are adversely affected by the pressure of public opinion. Withstanding the opinions of others is at best stressful and at worst debilitating. Many of us are crippled by the masses of people who do not allow us the freedom of our own opinions and the exploration of our own personhood. We all have a tendency to reflect the opinions of others. If someone says you look terrible in a dress, don’t you wear it with reluctance the next time? Even though we say we do not care what people think, to some degree we are still vulnerable to their words and ideas. But if we are going to be effective individuals, we must develop the ability to embrace ourselves. A positive self-image is not arrogant. It is necessary in order to procure a healthy relationship with others. People who have low self-esteem are too obsessive to enjoy others. They cling to others like a vine to a wall. They need others to stand, and that need is compulsive and draining.

It is virtually impossible to find someone to appreciate you as a person if you do not allow them to see you as a settled, stabilized force in the earth. They need to hear you sing your own song. They need to listen to your solo. Sing the melody of success and everybody will want to hum that tune with you. But make sure that you allow to join in only those who harmonize with your own self-image. You actually train others how to treat you by how you treat yourself. Do not think for one moment that others do not observe your level of style, class, and preferences. All of us, when we shop, have had to deal with the fact that this person we are shopping for would or would not buy this item for him- or herself. You want to buy what would at least be comparable to what that person would select. You wouldn’t give a cheap bag to someone who wears expensive clothes, would you? Who would feel comfortable giving a gift that would stand out among the person’s possessions as an item beneath his or her normal standard? By being good to the self, this person has in essence set a standard that we all must aspire to reach if we are to be a blessing to that individual.

Look, Ma, No Hands

We are not born in relationships. Who among us was born holding someone else’s hand firmly clasped within her own? We enter life with both hands up in the air and fists clenched tightly. We are born empty-handed. There are no hands to hold but our own. We learn to reach out, but only after we have had a chance to reach inward and upward. It is the upward reach of the spirit and the inward reach of the soul that enables the outward reach of the body.

Most of us are single-birth babies who spent time alone from the womb to the crib. We played in the crib alone. We learned the fundamental skills of entertaining ourselves. Alone is where we start and essentially it is where we end. For even if we die in a crowded room, ultimately we die alone. Job says he came here naked and returned naked. It is true. We find ourselves going full circle. We take no more with us than what we brought. We brought no one with us into this world, and even though we may hold hands as we die, still we face death alone. We are at best empty-handed travelers. We start with clutched hands, and we end with clutched hands. Between those two points, our hands will hold many things. But, at the end, as was in the beginning, they will pry our hands open and find no one’s hand within but our own.

Nothing is more essential to spiritual and emotional well-being than that which we are considering now. For you see, there are some prerequisites to a healthy love relationship with others. We can love others with no more wholeness than that with which we love ourselves, We tend to seek from others the kind of love and affirmation that must come from within. As we journey forward, we will discuss the relationship the lady has with herself, then with her husband and lover, and finally with her Lord.

If her relationship is not fortified with her Lord and with herself, she will enter into a relationship with a man for the wrong reason. She will want from him those properties that can only be extracted from a positive self-image and a clear perception of her God. I will discuss in more detail later the significance of having a God-centered life. But for the moment, let’s consider what can be achieved by a woman who knows and loves herself. So tonight, dear friend, set the table for one and sit in the presence of your own personhood. Drink the robust wine of your own thoughts and laugh hysterically at some humorous memory that you can share with no one but yourself. Could it be possible that before the night is over you might find yourself warmed by the fire of your own dreams, and perhaps ever so gently whisper the confession that by God’s grace you have finally learned to enjoy your own company?

Could it be possible that being alone does not have to mean that you are lonely? Have you ever entertained yourself? Or are you saving all of your social skills for someone who is not there? If you are, it is indeed a statement that suggests you are not important enough to demand your own respect. That is a dangerous place from which to start life. Because if you cannot value your own existence and presence, you will eventually have trouble relating well to others.

Most people spend no time entertaining themselves. They only entertain others. They never plan an evening for themselves. They endure their time alone as if they had been exited to solitary confinement. But it is the single woman who has the time to develop true spirituality. She is not encumbered with the concerns of children or mate. She has the time to strengthen herself on several different levels. She has the time to strengthen her economy, her spirituality, and her personality. Each area needs to be strengthened so that she can clearly discern, when offers come, whether she is in love or in need.

An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world–how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord, I Cor. 7:34-35 (NIV)

I am therefore suggesting that you have a relationship first with your God, secondly with yourself, and finally, out of the manifold fruits of your own habitation, you are ready to share with someone else what you have determined to be worth bringing to the table of love.

(To Be Continued)

By Bishop T. D Jakes

THE LADY, HER LOVER, AND HER LORD

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Falling in Love with Yourself

Love–what a word! It is a small word possessing only four letters, but it is loaded to the brim with every imaginable feeling. The Greeks have many words to describe the multifaceted concept of love. They divide the agape kind of love from the philia kind of love. The agape describes the divine, while the philia describes the brotherly affection between siblings and shared among humans. They use the word eros–from which we get the word erotic–to describe the intimate love of a man and his wife. Love … what an intimidating feeling to describe accurately. It is limiting at best to be left with words alone to describe the abstract feelings of the heart, but to have only one word to describe all the types and levels of feelings, a word that means different things to different people–well, we often fail to describe the variety or the intensity of the intoxicating impact of the love feeling.

Love is to life what a scent is to a rose. It is the spice of life, and it adorns life as clouds decorate the skies. Many women have tasted the nectar of romance. Many men have swayed beneath the influence of the memory of a special moment shared with that special someone. Even the aged see youth rekindled in the emblazoned moments of affection and the displayed admission of concern. From the cooing sound of a contented baby, to the calm breathing of an aged grandmother, there is the constant need for and appreciation of affections that affect the ordinary and transform the mediocre. Yes, love is the magic elixir of the soul. It is a common denominator, something we all need regardless of our varied perspectives or vicissitudes of life. Whether love is communicated through a soft touch or a moistened eye, it is the message that we need. “The method is immaterial in comparison to the magnitude of the message itself.

There is no drug that can compare with the intense, passionate feelings that are aflame when the heart is in love. It is love that causes the senses to heighten. It is love that causes the heart to pump honey to the soul and sedation to the mind. It is the sweet taste of the honeycomb that satisfies the taste buds of the soul. Without love, life tastes bland and success is empty.

What can compete with love? It has kept the sick man alive and made the well man feel sick. It is love that gives us courage and yet love that makes us afraid. It weakens the mighty and strengthens the feeble. It is the most intoxicating feeling that any of us will ever have the privilege of experiencing. If it is given to the worthy, it is reciprocated and fruitful. If it is invested on the empty opportunist, it can create a pain that nauseates the soul and afflicts the mind. It can make an average person seem extraordinary. It has the capabilities to alter our perceptions and heighten our vulnerability. It is love that made Christ the and still that same love that made him arise from the grave.

Without a doubt, we all want to experience love, but we must ask, Are we in love with others or are we in love with the idea of being in love? Many are the women, and men as well, who have turned to the arms of someone looking for the assurance that ultimately must come from within. How bitter they become when they look around for that which they must find inside themselves. They saddle their relationships down with undue weight and hold their partners in a perpetual state of guilt. They blame their partners for not being there for them. But what is actually meant is that their partners are not giving them what they expected. The greater question should be stated, Is it fair to expect anyone to bear the brunt of a life filled with pain and dysfunction? Who can restore what life has taken out of you, but God? Who can remind you of what God has promised you, but you? You are your own preacher, and occasionally you must say the kind of speech to yourself that enables you to be productive and accomplished.

There are many types of love. But the one that we must begin with is the tantalizing allurement of the impassioned heart that enables us to love others. It is that passion that must start at home before it goes abroad. For the greatest of human perceptions is when the heart can look into the mirror and smile at the image that is reflected therein. It is the grace that enables us to wink at ourselves and appreciate out own gifts. It is a healthy mind that can celebrate itself. Then and only then can we determine whether we are loving others because they are lovable or because we are so famished for love that we will settle for anyone or anything that gives to us what we should give to ourselves.

Light a candle, play a song, take a walk, and meditate on your own accomplishments. It is a poor hen that will not crow in her own nest. Quiet moments alone allow us to explore how deeply we are committed to our own sense of healthy well-being and fortitude. You must become the motivational speaker that is self-challenging. The passion to go forward is too important to be left to the happenstance of someone else’s concerns for us. We need to be motivated, but it is dangerous to allow that need to become so overwhelming and desperate that it can only find fulfillment in the actions of someone else. We need to be self-motivated in order to survive.

Perhaps one of the most difficult things to achieve is the ability to be motivated by ourselves. Most of us have a tendency to live and receive motivation as martyrs. We live for others and their causes, making our own needs and presence secondary pursuits. Sadly, sometimes we place ourselves so far on the back burner that the dreams boil out and leave only a parched pot where once we had personal expectation. When dreams boil out, a scorching heat of stress and anxiety causes the kettle to give a shrill sound before the burning begins. That shrill sound can be heard in our excesses and overindulgences, which camouflage the fact that we are frustrated with dreams that are denied and hopes that seem deferred. The burning, destructive, compulsive behaviors could all be avoided if we only, with patience and perseverence, took life in small doses and allowed ourselves the privilege of having an appointment with our own attention and scheduled ourselves as clients that we must see before the day is over. In short, take time for yourself. Listen to the hissing sound before you catch fire!

It has been said that love is a many-splendored thing. If that is true, then one of those splendors should be directed inward. While we value and validate the worth of others, we must also take the time to fondly affirm our own sense of personhood and self-development. We must know that love is not an optional accessory that we can choose to exclude from life. It epitomizes the human experiences and celebrates all that we enjoy. It gives us distinction from lower forms of life whose presence is monitored by time alone. Our life is not the mere collection of days and months. We are connoisseurs of the fine architectural design of life, love, and the exchange of human energy. We are moved and motivated by the spirited synergy that comes from the passion of experiences and the fine nectar of moments shared.

The real challenge that we all have is to find a place of balance between martyrdom and narcissism. The art of avoiding extremes is an art that is drawn on the canvas of maturity and painted with the abstract strokes of many experiences. The balance is as vital to you as it is to a high-flying trapeze act. We need not become self-consumed, but please realize that there must be something between selfishness and self-denial. This is not the blaring clarion call to become self-centered and egotistic. But it is a cry to balance the heart of women who have allowed everyone’s plight to become more important than their own. It is a cry to recognize your strengths before you become lost in a perpetual state of being a cheerleader for someone else and never yourself.

This is not just a feminine problem. It is actually a human problem. Yet the maternal instinct in women increases their susceptibility to it. Maternal instincts are great on a child, but don’t try them on a man. They are dangerous when coupled with the societal bias that tends to usher women into roles of subservient behavior. It makes the lady a prime candidate to become a martyr for any cause but her own. When this happens, the milk of compassion in a woman often hardens in the breast and causes the heart to ache. There was nothing wrong with the milk. It was just invested into something or someone that was not worthy. There is nothing worse than giving the right thing to the wrong person.

(To Be Continued)

By Bishop T. D Jakes

THE WOMAN’S ROLE IN THE PLAN OF GOD

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God has a beautiful plan for womanhood that will bring order and fulfillment if it is followed in obedience. God’s plan is that one man and one woman, of equal standing before Him but of different roles, should be bonded together as one. In His wisdom and grace He specifically created each for his or her role.

At creation, God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and from him God took a rib and made a woman (Genesis 2:2 1). She was a direct gift from the hand of God, made from man and for man (1 Corinthians 11:9). “Male and female created he them”, (Genesis 1:27) each different but made to complete and complement each other. Although the woman is considered the “weaker vessel” (1 Peter 3:7), this does not make her inferior. She was made with a purpose in life that only she could fill.

To woman has been given one of the greatest privileges in the world, that of molding and nurturing a living soul.

Her influence, especially in the realm of motherhood, affects her children’s eternal destination. Even though Eve brought condemnation upon the world with her act of disobedience, God considered women worthy of a part in the plan of redemption (Genesis 3:15). “But when the fullness of the time was come, God sent forth his Son, made of a woman.” (Galatians 4:4). He entrusted to her the bearing of and the caring for his own dear Son. The woman’s role is not insignificant!

A distinction between the sexes is taught throughout the Bible. Paul teaches if a man has long hair, it is a shame unto him, but if a woman has long hair, it is a glory to her (1 Corinthians 11:14,15). “The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman’s garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the Lord thy God” (Deuteronomy 22:5). Their roles are not to be interchangeable.

In the Garden of Eden, God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone,” and He made a help meet for him-a companion, someone to satisfy his needs (Genesis 2:18).

Proverbs 31:10-31 tells in detail what kind of helpmeet the woman is to be. The supportive role of the wife to the husband is very evident in this description of the ideal woman. She “will do him good and not evil.” Because of her honesty, modesty and chastity, “her husband doth safely trust in her.” By her efficiency and diligence she would look well to her household. The basis for her virtue is found in verse 30: “a woman that feareth the Lord.” This is a reverential fear that gives meaning and purpose to her life. Only as the Lord lives in her heart can she be the woman she was meant to be.

To become a child of God she needs to repent, confess her sins and accept Christ through faith. With Christ she will be able to live a self-denied life. The Holy Spirit will give strength, courage, and direction to fulfill her duties. He will grace her life with humility, modesty, and with that inner “ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price” (1 Peter 3:3,4). Proper, modest dress adds to the hidden charm of a woman. She should never draw attention to her body by being overdressed or underdressed.

To avoid confusion and establish order, someone needs to be the head and God has ordained that this should be the man (1 Corinthians 11:3). Marriage is to be a harmonious relationship similar to that of Christ and the Church. Christ is subject to God, man is subject to Christ, and woman is subject to man. Why would any woman rebel at her position in the framework of authority when even Christ, the Son, is subject to the Father? As the wife reverences her husband, she is obedient to the scripture (Ephesians 5:33), and her husband is then able to bear the responsibility that God has laid on his shoulders.

The liberation movement has challenged God’s blueprint for womanhood. Women are clamoring for freedom and fulfillment by asking for total equality. This puts them into a power struggle- into a competitive role instead of a complementary partnership. Their quest for freedom only leads them into bondage. Nevertheless, the selfishness and ungodliness of many men is without excuse. In this context some of women’s frustrations can be understood. Ironically, the very thing that many women are rejecting is God’s way of establishing the woman in a life that fully satisfies.

If a women moves aggressively into the man’s world and there seeks independence and equality, she loses her femininity, that reserved, modest sweetness that men respect and God approves.

Fulfillment comes as she cultivates those gifts for which she was created. A woman’s submission to her husband liberates her from a multitude of frustrating problems, and her submission to God’s order frees her from guilt. Submission is a blessing, not a curse!

The pattern of men taking the leadership and women following will bring a blessing to single women as well as married women, to daughters as well as wives.

As an outward sign of this submission and her submission to Christ, the Christian woman is commanded to have her head covered for praying and prophesying* (1 Corinthians 11:3-5). Man is subject to Christ and should therefore pray with his head uncovered. Woman is subject to man and should pray with her head covered. Wearing a head covering is a recognition of this divine order.

[* The writers of the article recognizes a sister should wear it “in her times of private devotions and prayer, the sister’s head should be covered. A Christian sister would naturally want to wear the head covering whenever she is giving Christian service. In truth, all of a believer’s daily life should be lived in service unto Christ. It seems appropriate, then, that the Christian women wear the prayer covering whenever she appears in public. She thus leaves a constant testimony of her submission to God and her husband.]

Love in marriage is to be pure and is given for pleasure as well as for propagation. Woman was uniquely created for the special task of bearing children, a creative fulfillment. God said, “Be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28). To purposely choose not to have children is sidestepping God’s principle and forfeiting one of the most rewarding experiences in a woman’s life.

Woman’s first duty is the making and keeping of her home. Many a modern woman chooses a career, hires a baby-sitter, and rushes her children through childhood so that she can be free to pursue her selfish interests. The Bible teaches that women are to be “keepers at home” (Titus 2:5). This means a women is to be there, loving her husband, teaching and enjoying her children, and applying the homemaking arts with joy in her heart. This mother is the heartbeat of the home. She helps lay the foundation of moral standards there. The warmth of her spirit quietly establishes security in the lives of little children-confidence, that in spite of their problems and fears, all will be right. Why would any woman trade this noble place for some dollars earned or for some coveted position? This Bible way is not just being old-fashioned; it is God’s order. The women who wholeheartedly accept God’s plan will be blessed.

In certain instances, a woman’s role extends beyond her home. Examples are given in both the Old and New Testaments of godly women who had responsibilities in God’s kingdom. Also today there is a place for the Christian woman to serve within the Church. As she exercises her inborn attributes of love, gentleness, and compassion, she is a living example of that which becomes godliness. Older women are exhorted to teach the young women, “that the word of God be not blasphemed” (Titus 2:4,5). Single Christian women, who do not have the cares of a home and a family, are able to fill a special place (1 Corinthians 7:34).

There are definite guidelines for women’s behavior in the Church. They are not to usurp authority over men. Paul instructs, “Let your women keep silence in the churches” (1 Corinthians 14:34,35; 1 Timothy 2:11-15). The order that God has planned for women excludes them from preaching. Faithful women find places for active participation in Christian service where they can humbly and consistently fellowship with other Christians.

May each woman fill her role with the grace of God in her heart, live in submissive obedience to His will, and humbly give of herself in the daily practices of life. As each person fills his respective place in God’s plan, there is beautiful harmony that emerges in the heart, the home, and the church.

Copyright© Bibleviews.com

ARE YOU A WOMAN OR A GIRL?

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Are there fundamental differences between a girl and a woman? Some people think so. Others think not. Some say a girl is the immature female while a woman is the very mature female. Yet, this isn’t to say that a woman won’t ever have “girlish” or immature tendencies or vice versa.

It is said that some people regardless of their age will never really grow up. There are girls of 40 and women of 20, we hear. Well, if you‘re still wondering what to think, here are some pointers.

  1. A girl throws tantrums. When displeased, upset or angry, she reacts just as she did as a child when she didn’t get her way with her parents. This often consists of screaming, pouting, giving the silent treatment, being passive aggressive and/or punishing. A woman still feels the emotions of being upset/displeased, but has cultivated the skill of responding versus reacting. She comes to the table as an adult, and communicates clearly what is bothering her.
  2. A girl perceives herself as a princess and believes people should treat her like so. She is entitled and feels that she is owed and therefore expects more than she appreciates. A woman, has standards (what she holds herself to) not expectations (what she projects on to others).
  3. A girl uses her physical beauty as her currency and basis of value. A girl may be so used to feeling validated through her looks and sexuality that she uses this as her primary tool to get what she wants in life. A woman knows her worth is beyond her physicality. A woman bases her value on her intelligence, her strength, her integrity, her values, her contributions, her humanity.
  4. A girl banks on a man to be her financial strategy. A woman plans to be financially independent – she banks on… herself. And if she so happens to enter a relationship dynamic where it makes sense for her partner to be the primary breadwinner, it’s considered a bonus, not the expected life line.
  5. A girl sees the world from a place of lack and scarcity. She competes and will even tear down another in order to secure resources or a mate. A woman helps other women. She knows that there’s plenty enough to go around and takes the high road of integrity to get what she wants.
  6. A girl cannot be bothered with anything domestic and is proud of the fact that she cannot cook or clean. A woman understands that being domestic is not a duty, but understands that it is one way of taking care of herself and others. She also understands that in the event she wants to create a family, having a person in the household who can contribute domestically is important.
  7. “A girl wants attention, a woman wants respect. A girl wants to be adored by many. A woman wants to be adored by one.” -anonymous
  8. A girl does not respect her body.  She has not yet understood that her body and heart are sacred, and that it’s important to be mindful of how she treats it and who she shares it with. A girl cherishes handbags, diamonds and her shoe collection as her prize possessions. A woman cherishes her health, her sense of self, and her talents as her greatest assets.
  9. A woman takes the time to reflect on the type of human she wants to be, the example she wants to leave and the vision for her life. She has put thought into her values and what she stands for. A girl has not established her moral compass or values and consequently, is often inconsistent. After spending time with a girl, you feel exhausted because she takes more than she gives. After spending time with a woman, you feel invigorated, because she empowers you with possibility, and a passion for life.
  10. A girl has a checklist that prioritizes superficial qualities in a man above anything else. Here is an example of how this checklist may look: Hot, popular, wears skinny jeans, over 6 feet tall, rich.. This is the checklist of what a woman may look for: High integrity, intelligent, kind, good communicator, emotionally available.

Now, a lot of these differences reflect core choices and how a lady lives out her life on a daily basis. So evidently, girls who realize that there’s a woman in them grow up intentionally and live wiser.

Do you agree with the list above? Do you have any more tips you will like to share? Share your thoughts in the comments section below. 

EXPOSE: HOW TO LOVE A NIGERIAN MAN AND STILL BE BOSS

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Let me start by stating the obvious. A typical Nigerian man is very egotistic. You can’t expect to be his woman and yet rub shoulders with him. That will never ever work. His definition of a relationship is ‘I lead, you follow.’ And if you tune your ears well, you’ll hear ‘I own you’.

I have always been an advocate of women being independent whether they are with a man or not. And let me define what I mean because in this part of the world, once the word ‘independence’ and ‘women’ come in the same sentence, people’s antennae go up. An independent woman simply means a woman who take care of herself and is contented financially, emotionally or otherwise whether a man is in her life or not. It does not mean she does not need a man; it means she has an identity and does not need to be defined by anyone.

Having said that, I will be addressing the independent woman who wants to love and be with a typical Nigerian man and still maintain her identity. Here’s how to.

1. Treat Him like a King.Respect Him. Don’t talk him down. Show him a deep admiration for his abilities, qualities and achievements. You don’t have to go on your knees before him to show that you respect him. And treating him like a king doesn’t make you less.

How to be boss? Only a queen knows how to take care of a king.

2. Be Faithful.The worst thing you can do to a Nigerian man is cheat on him. Don’t even try it. He is the one and only in your life. Even if he cheats on you, do not retaliate; you’ll have no one as your support when shit hits the fan. Simply walk out of the relationship if he strays. But while you’re with him, you have to be 100% faithful.

How to be boss? A faithful woman is already at the top of the list. You earn any man’s respect by being faithful.

 3. Take Care of Him.A Nigerian man loves to be cared for by his woman and this entails preparing his favorite meals, cleaning up his house/room, handling his laundry (if you want to stretch it far) and ensuring that he is generally in good condition. He wants to know you care. His mother has done a pretty fine job of that for him. He wants you to continue where she left off.

How to be boss? Be honest with yourself from the beginning about what you can or cannot do for him. Before you met him, he did his own chores. Remind him of that. Meeting his needs occasionally shows you are performing acts of love; doing it regularly shows you’re performing a duty.

 4. Sex Him like a Pro.Nigerian men talk about wanting a good girl in bed or something like that but in the end they complain when you are not responsive. They do not like inexperienced girls. So, here’s my honest advice to you: be a freak in bed. If you are good in doing the thing, don’t hide it. Blow his mind the whole 9 yards. He might be worried about how you got so skilled but he’ll get over it soon when he discovers you are faithful.

How to be boss? Like I said, just blow his mind and he’ll always duff his hat for you.

 5. Respect His Family.This is no joke. Especially his mother, you have to kiss her ass big time. You cannot score high by being stubborn on this point. Once a Nigerian man introduces you to his family, it means he’s ready to take it far and if you meet them and start acting all pig-headed, he will dump you. Many a Nigerian man have left their women because their families said no. So, score high on this one and it shall go well with you.

How to be boss? Be yourself with them. Don’t kiss the floor they walk on or you’ll do that forever. Just be cordial and respect them. Compromise on some things but be known to be your own person by saying no to other things.

 6. Be Religious.Most Nigerian men believe in God. They might not all be religious but they want their women to be. They want women who would hold up the spiritual front for them. Once I heard my husband telling his friend with a proud smile, “she prays for me.” You might be an atheist or agnostic or not of his religion but he has chosen to love you the way you are, then you should show some respect for his faith, at least. Follow him to church once in a while. If he’s a Muslim, learn about Islam or dress as a Muslim woman on the occasion.

How to be boss? Don’t just speak ill of his God for whatever reason but don’t allow him drown your own beliefs.

 7. Give Him His Personal Space.This is not peculiar to just Nigerian men. All men love their personal space. Allow him time with his guys, his family and his hobbies. Don’t cramp his space.

How to be boss? Find your own thing to do. Hanging around your man all the time would make you dependent on him and you don’t want that.

 8. Know How to Cook.There’s no escaping this one, I’m afraid. It is probably one of the tests you’ll undergo with him and with his family. And to emphasize, you must learn how to cook the meals he loves, the ones his mother always made for him. If you don’t learn this, he will stay out to eat another woman’s meals.

How to be boss? Have him help out with the ingredients while you cook. Ask his presence in the kitchen; tell him to keep you company or help with the dishes as you cook. You can also lure him there by wearing something really sexy. Make your meal time special occasions so that he looks forward to each time you cook.

 9. Ditch your male BFF.I’m sorry but that male best friend has to become just one of the guys. He and your man cannot share the same space. Nigerian men do not understand the concept of a woman having a close male friend when she already has a man. No matter how platonic your relationship with your friend is, your Nigerian man will see him as competition. Here are some of his thoughts:

if we have a fight, does she tell him?

when we fight, does she run to him and he holds her to comfort her?

has he seen her naked?

have they gone beyond friendship before?

how can he not be attracted to her? she’s damn sexy

doesn’t she know he’s just trying to get into her pants?

why is she even having a male best friend?

who the f*ck does he think he is forming best friend with my woman?

How to be boss? Good friendships are hard to come by and you don’t want to throw one away because your man says so. Simply limit your time with said best friend and let your man know the sacrifice you’re making but also tell him you can’t totally ditch your friend.

 10. Do Not Take Gifts From Other Men.Like seriously, don’t. A Nigerian man would tell you “bae, if he bought you that handbag and pair of shoes, you better be in his bed, not mine.” Yes, they are that jealous. They own you as a woman and would proudly call you their property. Hence, do not take gifts from other men asides your man. As much as he is proud to know he has a woman that is desired by other men, he doesn’t want you to have anything with them.

How to be boss? Show him why you’re still desired. Dress hot, maintain your weight and be sexy. Suggest outings so that he can appreciate what he has when other men ogle you. That will remind him to love you as you deserve.

11. Be Feminine.Whether you’re a tomboy or just full of womanliness, maintain your femininity. A woman who acts like a man and rubs shoulders with her man is not appreciated in Nigeria. Even if you’re a boss at work, drop your ranks when you’re in his arms. Maintain the things that make you female like nice hair, nice nails, a clean appearance, clear skin, an alluring scent, light makeup, a gentle nature and a happy face.

How to be boss? Concentrate on inner virtues that show your strength while on the outside you appear subtle. One of my favorite phrases I heard from a man about his wife was, “Forget her angel face o, she’s a lioness inside; my lioness.”

 12. Be Wise and Smart.Foolish women don’t make the cut in Nigeria. You’ll get cheated on, abused and find yourself at the bottom of very man’s list. As much as a Nigerian man doesn’t want you smarter than him, he is also not interested in a dumb woman. He wants you to keep him on his toes with your intelligence. Many ladies believe an outward appearance gets them the man but the truth is intelligence and wisdom are more important when he starts to think of a long term relationship.

How to be boss? You can’t fail with this one. Just use your brains.

 13. Be Hard-working.No food for lazy man is a popular saying around here. There’s nothing as unappealing as a woman who is slothful and expects her man to do all the work. Nigerian men work hard for their money, no joke. In the end, they want women who would have the skills to maintain what they have worked for, and not squander it. Find something your hands can do if you don’t have a job. No one is born without a talent.

How to be boss? This is one place you can be boss and diva at the same time. Be hard working and no man will treat you less than you are worth.

Nigerian men are the best men in the world, forget what you’ve been told. Yes, there are bad ones and I’ve gotten my own taste of them. But then there are bad men everywhere else in the world.

Nonetheless, I speak in defence of my Nigerian brothers when I say, they are the best. Once they love, they love and contrary to what you believe, you can actually get them to make you the center of their world and be faithful to you.

So, against all that you’ve heard or experienced whether you’re a Nigerian woman or not, I’m suggesting you give a Nigerian man a try today and see how it goes.

By Sally

About Sally 

Sally loves to write. She has written so many plays and short stories. She is the author of the Fish Brain series and has written other online series like The Immortals’ Code, No heart Feelings, To Tame a Virgin and In Pursuit of Kyenpia. She lives in Lagos with her husband and daughter and loves the occasional bar lounging with friends. She blogs on www.moskedapages.com or you can follow her on Twitter @NovocainKnights

 

25 THINGS TO KNOW BEFORE YOU GET ENGAGED

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When you know, you know, right? Well, maybe. While gut instincts are all well and good (and often scarily accurate), here are 25 other things to make sure you cover before either of you gets down on one knee. Because who wants to take chances with the rest of her life?

  1. The difference between like, lust, and love. Only one is worthy of an engagement. Only one determines “together forever”.
  2. Each other’s career goals.What do you each want to accomplish in life — and how will it affect your relationship with each other? Knowing what you each want to achieve and supporting those dreams is a critical foundation for any couple.
  3. How you each feel about faith.What your belief system means to your life as a couple (and your future life as a family).
  4. Each other’s spending habits.And debt situations. And savings plans. Get it all out on the table early. And even if you have different spending and saving styles, it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. It is simply an acknowledgement of a fundamental difference in money attitudes.

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  1. Whether you want children — and when. It is important to be on the same page regarding your general timeline for starting a family. But you might not need to agree on how many kids just yet. Once a couple has their first kid, they will have a better idea of how many children they really want.
  2. How you plan on parenting your children. At least, in theory.
  3. Each other’sparents/siblings/immediate family. These might be your in-laws. Know what you are getting into.
  4. Your significant other’s relationships with said family. Love, hate, love-hate — it’s important to understand the dynamics at play.
  5. The past.Like it or not, it helped shape who you both are at this very moment. You don’t need to provide every exhaustive detail, but you should have a general roadmap for how you each got to the present.
  6. Any previous spouses and/or children.This should come up in No. 9, but I’m not taking any chances. Nobody likes a surprise ex.
  7. How you each respond to stress.One of the main theories for why the majority ofBachelor/Bachelorette engagements fail is because they do not face real-world, anxiety-inducing, pressure cooker situations. Stress can be the ultimate saboteur in a relationship, and studies show that even happy marriages can end up in divorce thanks to stressful life events, low commitment and negative communication. But if you know how you each handle life’s obstacles, big and small, you can tackle them successfully together. If you perceive your partner is there for you and supportive of you, it buffers and reduces the impact of chronic stress.
  8. How they take their coffee in the morning.Which section of the paper they read first. Whether they even like coffee at all. It may seem like minutiae, but love sometimes comes in the tiniest details.
  9. Each other’s worst qualities.Love involves elevating the best traits, and accepting the worst ones.
  10. Their friends!I’m a believer that meeting the friends can be even more important than meeting the family, because friends are the people that your better halfchooses to spend time around. If you haven’t met your S.O.’s inner circle, then the relationship isn’t that serious — and certainly not serious enough for an engagement.
  11. Their stance on major political issues.How does your partner feel about gay marriage? Abortion? Voters’ rights?Gun control? You don’t necessarily have to agree, but their opinions (and the arguments they use to justify them) can be very telling.
  12. How to fight and make up.You are going to disagree. It happens. And to an extent, it is healthy. Conflicts are inevitable. But conflict has its benefits if you use it productively. Use respectful language with each other and be willing to listen to your partner.
  13. Each other’s living habits.You don’t have to live together yet, but it is a good idea to at least have an idea of what it will be like when you do.It is not whether you live with your partner as much as how you live with your partner.
  14. Your sexual chemistry.Yes, this is totally making me blush because I am a 12-year-old at heart, but knowing how you connect onthat level is pretty critical to relationship — and marriage — success.
  15. How to talk to each other.No phones. No emails. No texts. Just straight-up, face-to-face, brutally honest communication. This is vital,especially considering “communication problems” were cited as the most common factor (65 percent) that leads to divorce in a recent survey.
  16. Their hobbies.Whether it’s golf, running, reading, collecting, or live-action-role-playing, you want to know the things that your love loves to do. It’s not about you loving soccer, it’s about the person that you love loving soccer.
  17. How you each feel about travel.Striking a balance between a homebody and someone with a case of wanderlust is one tricky seesaw act. Determine whether travel is a priority in your relationship before committing to marriage.
  18. Your views on household duties.Does your significant other expect a partner who will take care of all the chores? Or will it be a shared responsibility (ahem)? People are going to disagree about how to run the house, chores, who cleans the bathroom, but those are the kinds of things that people can, if they work on their communication style, work through.
  19. The difference between a wedding and a marriage.A wedding is one day. A marriage is a lifetime. If you want to throw a party, there are plenty of other things you can celebrate if you aren’t ready for matrimony.
  20. That being said, you should talk aboutyour vision for a wedding. Because eloping at City Hall and 500 people at the reception in June are two very different scenarios. Plus, planning a wedding can be extremely stressful — you and your fiancé need to be on the same team.
  21. What you want out of the future.No one has a crystal ball, and life loves to throw curveballs.But since one of the top reasons for divorce is that the couple “wanted different things, you should share your thoughts, hopes and dreams for what the future might look like — together.

Culled from bustle.com with inputs from MacHenry Churchill

INSIGHT: 9 Signs He’ll Be an Amazing Dad

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So he’s a solid boyfriend, but will he make a super father? Here’s how to know.

So you’re with a guy who loves kids and says he wants them? Obviously, those are good places to start. But what about the slightly subtler signals that he’s up to the parenting challenge? We break them down:

He’s Intuitive
If you’ve ever heard the phrase, “You look tired—can I make you dinner/give you a massage/do the laundry?” come out of his mouth, that’s a sign he’s attentive and takes initiative, which are biggies when it comes to kids. “Children need attention constantly,” says Jane Greer, Ph.D., New York-based relationship expert and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship. “There’s the hands-on taking care of children in terms of what routinely has to be done—and then there’s the whole other layer of tuning into where they’re at and what their mood is and what else they might need that you didn’t anticipate or plan for. That level of awareness is really significant.”

He’s Affectionate
Does he hold your hand and stroke your hair? Clearly love your pet? “That shows a lovingness and caring,” says Greer. Plus, it shows his ability to connect on an emotional level to maintain that bond, which is crucial for parents, says Greer.

He Can Handle Stress
Does he shut down or disappear when things (work, the relationship, family stuff, etc.) get sticky? No good. You want a partner who talks through stressors with you, says relationship therapist Rachel Sussman, LCSW, author of The Breakup Bible. Because, fact: Kids are super, duper stressful. You want to have them with someone who can manage the pressure.

He Shares His Food
Seriously. See, a good father is someone who’s generous, not stingy, says Greer. So if you’re out to dinner and he doesn’t even pretend to offer you a taste, then reaches over and grabs something off your plate, that’s probably not a good sign. “That tells you that they’re looking out for themselves and they’re more concerned with taking care of themselves than sharing and reciprocating with you,” says Greer.

He’s in Touch with His Emotions
If he’s comfortable telling you how he feels about you or talking about the future, that’s good, says Sussman. “Then that person usually, when they make the decision to be a parent, they’ll take it seriously. They’ll be able to be up front with you and tell you how they feel if they’re upset about something, if they’re happy about something.”

He’s Down to Shop, Cook, and Clean
You want to co-parent with someone who’s “a true partner in all senses of the word,” says Sussman. If he’s not willing to pitch in now, that could mean trouble down the road.

He Makes Sacrifices for You
Maybe he blows off guys’ night to take care of you when you’re sick or he works overtime so he can take off for your friend’s wedding. These unselfish acts show that he’s flexible and responsive, says Greer, and those are both things you want in a partner and a parent.

He’s Reliable
If he says he’s going to do something, he needs to actually do it…on a regular basis…without constantly being reminded, says Greer. It’s clear why this is important: You can’t raise a kid with someone you don’t trust to take care of things.

The Two of You Have a Great Relationship
“Assess your own relationship and make sure it’s really solid and really in a good place,” says Sussman. “You’ve got to have the relationship first, because having kids will put a stress on you.” “If you’re really in love, if you have good communication, if you really respect each other, if there’s a really solid friendship, if you have a lot of fun together, and you both want to have children,” she says, “chances are it’s going to work out really nicely.”

Culled from Womenshealthmag

RESEARCH FINDINGS: A Surprising Way to Divorce-Proof Your Marriage

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Till death do us part. It’s a lovely vow, and yet nearly half of all marriages don’t make it. How to reduce the divorce rate? Relationship researchers have looked at all kinds of ideas, including state-mandated marriage education courses. Now, University of Rochester scientists have found an interesting way to make married life better and keep couples together: movies.

Romantic movies, to be specific. In fact, in their study of 174 couples, it seems that watching and discussing five romantic-themed movies together over the course of a month cut the three-year divorce rate in half, from 24 percent to 11 percent.

“We thought the movie treatment would help, but not nearly as much as the other programs in which we were teaching all of these state-of-the-art skills,” said Ronald Rogge, associate professor of psychology at the University of Rochester and lead author of the study. “The results suggest that husbands and wives have a pretty good sense of what they might be doing right and wrong in their relationships. Thus, you might not need to teach them a whole lot of skills to cut the divorce rate. You might just need to get them to think about how they are currently behaving. And for five movies to give us a benefit over three years, that is awesome.”

Romantic movies you might watch with your husband tonight? May we suggest some of our favorites:

Love Actually
Sleepless in Seattle
Love Story
Valentine’s Day
The Notebook
Notting Hill
The Proposal
P.S. I Love You
You’ve Got Mail
Before Sunrise

FEATURE: 20 Things Nigerian Weddings Have Taught Me – Adetuke Morgan

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I have attended seven weddings since I moved back 12 months ago. That’s a pretty small number as there is a wedding every single weekend. Six of these were in Lagos while one of them was in Abuja. I’m going to share/highlight on the different things I learnt at each one.

The first one (August 2013) was an engagement ceremony a few weeks after I moved back. It was pretty small, the colour was orange and brown. I didn’t have any trad in those colours so I wore my mum’s iro and buba. I didn’t wear heels because I had arrived a day or 2 before and the suitcase with all my heels was still in transit (it was being shipped).

  1. You do not wear oversized clothes to a wedding. You have to highlight your selling points. In other words, you are there to sell your market so dress to impress.
  2. As a lady, if you are not a family member or Aunty or close friend or cousin that is going to be running up and down on that day, you have no reason to wear flats, your heels should be on deck. I learnt this after one of the groomsmen told me ladies have to wear heels.

Ever wondered what it’s like to be a hostess at an event? I can tell you as I was an usher at the second wedding (September 2013) I attended.

The bride was a choir member and the husband holy police (Redeemed Speak) at my church so she asked a few girls in the youth church to usher on her special day. I willingly obliged and was pretty happy when I received the aso ebi all the ushers were going to wear. She wanted uniformity so 6 of us turned ours into oleku.

  1. When working behind the scenes at a wedding, communication is key. I was the only usher who went to church for the actual ceremony. The others met up at one of the girl’s houses where they got their make up done by one of the girls who is pretty good at these things.
  2. You need to have an affordable, reliable, tailor that can interpret designs. The closer he/she is to your house the better for you. The other ushers sewed their oleku for N500 each. I used my mum’s tailor who charged N1,500.
  3. Being a bouncer can get pretty boring so they spend their time talking about/analysing the guests/bridal train/ushers. At this wedding, I was stationed at the door so the bouncer there was my gisting partner. He sure kept me entertained! First, he was yapping the bridesmaids, that they are old and not the most attractive facially. Apparently, there was only one of them he could “manage”. He said his future wife most have fine friends o! He actually scored these women over 10 and was giving them pretty rubbish marks. You would think he was handsome, but he wasn’t. It shocks me how people think they can judge other’s looks.

The third wedding (November 2013) I attended was my uncle’s traditional somewhere on the mainland. It was my first time attending a traditional ceremony from start to finish and there were a lot of things I didn’t know happened. My dad is his older cousin so we sat opposite the bride’s family.

  1. If your family member is getting married and you are on the groom’s side, make sure you have enough cash in your bag in small but reasonable denominations like N100 and N200. I was not aware that the bridal party will come round to the groom’s side expecting us to give money. At this point in my life, I was still getting pocket money as NYSC hadn’t started and I wasn’t earning much as an intern. We also had to give money to the musicians and the little cash I had got cleared, even the pounds (Remember, at this point I was an IJGB; I Just Got Back)
  2. As the groom, make sure your groomsmen have enough cash on them. At a point in time the alaga was passing the bowl round to get donations for herself, she said it wasn’t enough and the boys should do better. They heard this many times during the course of the event and I’m sure they left there with their pockets dry.

The fourth time I attended a wedding was as a musician. The Bride was a Masters student whilst I was in undergrad, we attended the same youth fellowship and I used to play the sax at our conventions/conferences. The bride wanted me to play the sax at a point during the ceremony and I was nervous. The day before the ceremony I was just like can rapture come so I don’t have to do this. It didn’t come so I had to man up and play. I had practised with my friend who has been playing for 11 years so we were pretty tight. The whole thing went smoothly and the band which we met that day, backed us up nicely.

  1. If you are performing or speaking at a ceremony, make sure you practise beforehand. Record yourself and watch it critically so you can change anything that needs work/needs to be changed.

The fifth one was a wedding of an older friend at church. Her mum suggested I get the aso ebi and so it was my first time tying gele. Remember the last church wedding I attended, I was an usher, this time round I was a guest. The bride is an event planner so everything was well organised. The colours were really beautiful too, I love yellow. There was a slight issue with the air conditioning so things got a bit hot and guests were advised to sit down and not talk too much as the movement will generate heat.

  1. Make sure you have a hand fan and pocket tissues. They are very essential!
  2. If you are a friend of the bride but you don’t know any of her friends, target someone that you know can dance so you don’t walk in with a boring person when you lead the way for a bride to follow.

So I flew from Lagos to Abuja for my sixth wedding. It was my friends sisters wedding and it was my second time in Abuja. Yes, that’s right I actually flew to Abuja for a wedding. And below are the 10 other things i learnt from attending Nigerian weddings:

  1. When attending a wedding in an unfamiliar city, there would be a lot of unfamiliar faces, not many aunties to greet or people you know. So make sure you have friends other than those in the bridal party that you can sit and gist with.
  2. If you’re a natural haired sister like myself, it wouldn’t be bad to invest in a wig for that glamorous look. I’ve got a baby face so look pretty young, long flowy locks would have made me look slightly older. Plus, the convenience with wigs is you can take it off and rock your fro the next day.
  3. Alternatively you could invest in beautiful eye catching accessories or be creative with your hair. It crowns your face and is very important in making or breaking your final look.

The seventh wedding I attended actually inspired this post. It was my family friend’s wedding and it was a pretty big deal. She’s a very special girl, I had to hold back tears at some point, it got pretty emotional at times.

  1. When attending a society wedding where a lot of people are expected e.g. 1,000 find an alternative route as there is bound to be traffic. My Aunty was stuck in traffic on one street for an hour. It took us about 20 minutes to get there as we used the alternative route even though her house is way closer to the venue.
  2. Sometimes it’s best to just get the Aso-Ebi. My parents got but didn’t remember to get for me. I didn’t remember to get for myself so just found something to wear on the day. I haven’t reached that age where it’s wedding season in my life and I have to dole out money every weekend so I have no complaints to make about the cost of aso-ebi. Certain souvenirs/party favours were only given to those wearing the aso-ebi, it was like their reward for buying it.
  3. Invest in nice strappy open toed sandals. I don’t really have any because I think my legs are fat and I don’t think they will look good in them. But these shoes are versatile and more practical than close toe pointed pumps/stilettos.
  4. On my table there were a number of aunties who had definitely done their make up professionally. I’ve only had this done once and that was for my mums 50th birthday. As a young lady, it is cost effective to attend a make up and gele tying class so you can perfect those skills. You are bound to go for many parties and weddings in your life time so just learn how to present yourself nicely instead of forking out 5-10k anytime you have an event to go to.
  5. If you attend a wedding as a single/with your parents, people will undoubtedly make statements concerning your to-be nuptials. E.g. “Your time is coming”, “I can’t wait to dance at your own, better shine your eyes.” Just smile and keep quiet or nod your head. In my head I’m thinking, I don’t even know what I want to do with my life, I’m still a corper, haven’t done my masters so I don’t know where all these people are rushing to.

I’m adding two for Jara so there’ll be a nice, even, rounded number of lessons.

  1. Make sure you eat before you go for a wedding, anything can happen, food can finish or you can get stuck in traffic, you just never know and it’s better to be safe than sorry.
  2. Take a picture of yourself before you leave your house so you know what you look like and so you can change anything you don’t like about your appearance.

I’ve only been for a few weddings and I am not an #AsoEbiBella.

This list is by no means exhaustive and I am sure there are many things you’ve learned from attending weddings so please share them in the comment box below so we can all be wiser.

Thanks